If Only

The internet is public, anyone can read anything you write, but most of the time, no one does, which, I suppose, can be beneficial. This can be a place where I say the things I really wish to say but never can.

I found this picture today and, unfortunately, felt as if it was made for me.

I don't know why, if it's because I'm an only child who's sick of being along, if it's because I've never had a great track record for relationships, or what it is but I feel alone every single day. Some days definitely have moments where I feel treasured but those seem so sparse. I know one of the hardest things is having some of the best friends in the world but not being "best friends" I've got a best friend in Kansas who I hardely talk to... for no other reason than I just suck at communication I've got a best friend in Carson, West Reno, 2 blocks down, across the hall, all who I usually feel very distant from. ANd the worst one, the one I think that creates most of my feeling is being engaged to a man over 3,000 miles away. Hearing someone's voice... for some reason just doesn't fill that void and the three hour time difference, ugh that kills me, he wakes up and i'm asleep he's at work when i wake up then I'm at work when he gets off, I get off work and he's getting in to bed. It's terrible and no one understands. A few people come close to understanding but it's so hard to explain the feeling that comes from anywhere from 5-20 minutes of communication a day with your fiance and only sing him in person ... maybe 15 days a year.

When I think about it I have about 10 people I know I can count on for anything but it makes me sad at the same time because... well I really don't talk to any of them on a daily basis.

I wish I could be that girl that's always with friends, always talking to them, always has someone to hang out with and never has to sit at home watching tv because everyone else is busy. Unfortunately, that is not the girl I am. O well.