Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Nervous Already? O Boy!

For the last 16 months I have been "planning" our wedding.
  • "O I think we could do this here" 
  • "I think we should put that there" 
  • "Wouldn't it be fun to do this?" 
  • "I don't really know, it's so far away" definitely my most popular sentence
I have so much planned and everyone is shocked that I planning is essentially finished, I was proud of myself and feeling confident... until today.

Today I discussed times, times when my girls need to be ready, times when I need to be ready, time when the photos will be taken, the time when I will walk down the isle. I have no idea why but this made me so nervous! I feel like I shouldn't possibly be nervous already but I am! It blows my mind that the idea of the wedding day is already making me nervous, and here I thought I was going to be perfectly fine. Wrong! I am nervous the right photos won't get taken, I am afraid it might rain or be windy or sunburn all our guests, I'm afraid I'll be late, afraid we'll miss the sunset for our sunset beach photos. O my goodness the curse of a running mind!

I am so excited to wear my gorgeous dress and accessories and final say "I do" to the man of my dreams in front of our family and our friends, but the details scare the crap out of me! One thing that does make me laugh is picturing the look on my mother's face, Sarah's face and even Stephanie (one of our amazing photographers) as they tell me to take a deep breath and stop freaking out. I can only imagine the things that might be said to me if a start thinking about too many things.

My mind will be on:
  • the time
  • the flowers
  • the guests
  • the music
  • the groom
  • the daring and dangerous groomsmen
  • the weather, 
  • the dress,
  • the make-up
  • the hair
and I won't be able to stop it. I am a creature of habit and those closest to me such as my lovely bridesmaids and mother will most likely be saying some pretty interesting things and doing some even crazier stuff to get me to stop thinking about everything and I love them for that.

I am worried things won't go perfectly but that's life and I guess all I need to try and remember is that most likely, at some point in our future (who knows when) everything that happens we will laugh about. "It makes for a good story" as my mom always says :).

Monday, April 9, 2012

God Gave Me You

Have you ever been afraid to believe in something?

Most people who know me know that I used to be a goody-two-shoes go to church twice on Sundays and once for practice kind of girl. I loved it. I loved singing, I loved serving, I loved being there, but slowly things started to change.

A few years ago I changed. I ran away from most things I knew and tried to be someone different. Everyday that I pass my old church I yearn to go inside. I want to go back to singing in the choir and being an alter-server and having great friends and even the dreaded Sunday school, but every time I see the church I am also reminded of why I left. I am reminded of the things I didn't believe in, the conflicts, the disappointment and I think "how can I go back now?" I have thought about going to other churches, however, I've been to many and I just I can't get my old church out of my mind.

When I was 8 years old my mother and I joined the congregation. Shortly after I went through classes to be an alter server. I loved it there. It was small and dark and crowded but everyone knew everyone, no one was afraid to say hi or sit too close, and the priest was like a grandfather. I know they are supposed to be like fathers but I like my dad and I didn't have a grandfather, and Father O'brien was very old and very wise so he reminded me more of a grand father. It was a happy place for me.

Then it changed.

The church moved and became... modern. Now going into the church is like going into a gymnasium, half of the people don't even seem to know why they are there, no one speaks to anyone any more. It's as if we are all strangers, well we are all strangers, but praising God in one house makes me feel as if strangers is not what we should be. The thing that really got me was when our new priest fired most of the volunteers and hired people who didn't even share our faith. Watching our choir director it crackers and drink a pepsi during mass broke my heart. I couldn't understand why we would hire someone who not only did not share our faith but also did not respect it.

One of the reasons I joined the choir in the first place is because when I was young someone told me singing prayers got them to god faster because the notes and melody carried the words like a cloud up to him. Watching this woman sing our prayers broke my heart. Slowly others began to change too. A few of the band members stated they no longer believed, however, continued to participate for various reason; ie families, playing time, etc. Eventually, I couldn't take it anymore and left the choir and eventually the church.

Every day I think about going back but I am not sure I can. I am so scared to go back but I am scared I am not whole without it. Steven and I decided to dance our first dance to God Gave Me You and ... I feel so guilty believing God gave him to me and everything else I have in my life, yet I can't suck it up and go to church to worship him. People have told me that I don't have to return as long as I worship him on my own, but something in my heart tells me that's just not working, it's not good enough. I wish he could tell me what to do.

Yesterday my mother and I drove around to see if any stores were open to look for something, and while I was surprised and a little irritated that majority of stores were closed, it made me kind of happy. It so hard now to decide what is right and what is normal. There are so many different beliefs and none of them can be proven wrong or right.

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Opening Day

Today is opening day at the Reno Aces.

Depending on who you talk to this can mean a multitude of things. Some will say "So?". Some might say "This marks the beginning of summer". Some might be diehard fans and this is when life is great. But for someone like me, someone who used to work at the Aces stadium, this is bittersweet. Some days I wonder if I took my time there for granted. Thinking about opening day I think about all the prep work and hours that went in to making sure everything went smoothly. I think of the friends I made and even the frenemies I acquired. I think of the smell of the park, the sounds, the food we shared with each other when someone wasn't prepared and the nights spent at Freight House recuperating from the children trying to rip Archie's arm off and the drunk adults who hassled us for not dancing perfectly or not putting them in a game. Last summer was one of the best of my entire life and, while I may not be working at the park again, I intend to make this summer just as great.

The thought of this summer scares me a little, I have to admit. I love where I'm at right now, I love my job, I love my friends, I love my family, I love my town, the only thing that is missing is my man. However, the problem I'm facing is to have my man things are going to have to change. When they will change I am not quite sure but they will. I am so excited for this new chapter in my life and I can't wait to start it, however, I am scared of leaving turning the page and leaving this chapter behind me. I know that my friends and family will continue to be in the chapters of my life and every once in a while I'll come back to Reno for my friends, fam, The Reno Aces, The Reno Rodeo, maybe even the Shakespeare Festival and by god you better believe it I will be back one day for Night in the Country, but as for now the uncertainty in the timeline of my future has lead me to promise myself, "This will be the summer of a life time, one I'll never forget." Starting off with Reno Aces tonight and ending with our wedding in September, this summer season (technically) is going to rock.