Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Website Development

Today I am working on uploading something to I love website design and development, however, I have been looking at templates in order to make the process go faster and even though I've looked through what seems like hundreds, I still haven't found one that seems to suit me or my company. BLEH!

I wish I could develop this amazing sites, but I am just a beginner and I can't make sites like these templates. Realistically I probably could, but I feel like it would take forever. Part of me wants to start this company and wants it to be a great success, however I just don't know if i'm cut out for it. I would rather up keep and fix a website than design one.

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Tuesday - 2 days down, 2 to go

This week is kind of big for me. My job is not exactly a place of happiness for me, at least not anymore. Over the past few months it has become almost unbearable. Originally, due to the move, I stated I would be leaving the company on the 14th of December. Yesterday I announce Thursday will be my last day. I am so happy and so relieved and face only two problems, the struggle with myself over the paycheck I'm missing out on and the fact that now the past two days have been crawling by like snails. I swear 1-2pm yesterday felt like it took a few hours. Nevertheless, I am happy with my decision. I am going to practice and freshen up /improve my web design skills in hopes of having a business or side business called LA Custom Website Design.

I'm so nervous about "starting" my own company and even just about charging people Steven and I know for websites, but it's something I want to do and I'm hoping it goes well. To be completely honest, I don't think I'm the kin of person who has my own company. I love busy work and web design and creating things for print (this I just learned over the last year) but I love to have something to create for. I love websites and could do that but I think the thing I've fallen in love with even more is designing things for print. I love spending hours and even days with myself or a team changing photos and layouts and tweaking tiny little things then sending it off to the printer. Seeing the final product, being able to hold it and think, this is me or this is us, is a great feeling.

I suppose for now I will do what I can and hope that I find a job I fall in love with when I move.

Friday, November 16, 2012

Happy Rainy Friday

As my best friend said to me this morning "Happy Rainy Friday". There's just something about a cloudy day that makes me feel alive. I'm not a sparkly vampire I swear, but I just love cloudy days! I also love the rain.

Literaly Rain is water falling from the sky wetting everything below, but metephorically I've always felt as if rain is a new beginning, a fresh start. It pours down from the sky as if the Lord himself (I apologize to any potential non-christian reader) washes everything clean. He doesn't feel the desire to floud and wipe clear the earth as previously down, however, he welcomes you to take the advantage to start fresh.

I'm a west coast girl, born and raised in Reno/Sparks, NV, but often I feel as if I am a southern girl at heart. Last summer in North Carolina the clouds burst the sky opened and the rain poured down on my fiance and I, the same thing happened to us on our honeymoon in Florida. When it pours I see the vision in my head of the man and woman kissing passionately in the rain, or the happy couple playing, splashing, laughing, or even the exhausted person who stops and lifts their head to the sky, letting the rain fall down upon them as if it's washing away all their day's problems. I love the rain and a big part of me can not wait to move to North Carolina to see a down pour, to frolick in the rain and to let it cleanse my soul. My husband on the other hand; well, he's often like a cat, he sees water and he does running. Wet is not his thing haha.

Some people think my love for the rain stems from my childhood in the water. From age 5 to age 18 I was a competitve swimmer who spent, at the least, 2 hours in the pool a day. Even now, a stressfull day for my can be cured by a swim or even by sitting in a pool area breathing in the chlorine (healthy i'm sure =P). I just know I love water and I hope one day my man will passionately kiss me in the poring rain or laugh as we chase each other through the rain and fall in the mud.

For now, I am in Reno, sitting at my desk staring out the window as i watch the clouds. It's clear that they want to rain, perhaps that's what's fascinating about them, the hope and possibility of rain or snow, the ere of winter.

Thursday, November 15, 2012

1 Week Until Reuniting!

Today marks one week until I get to see my husband again. I am so excited! I'm flying down to thanksgiving Wednesday afternoon and he gets there Thursay morning. I'm sad we only get about 48 hours together but it's better than nothing.

This Thanksgiving we will be at his family's home. I am excited to spend time with his family but I am so nervous! This will be my first Thanksgiving in 23 years that I won't spend with my parents. Even as a child I wondered if this day would ever actually come. At one point it was my goal to find a man who wasn't a big family man so we could always spend the holidays with my family. I have to admit I do love how passionate Steven is about his family because it shows a different side to him and allows me to relax when thinking about our future family. I know he'll be a family man when we start our own family because of how much it means to him now.

I am nervous to see how my mother will handle thanksgiving without me. Some days I feel so guilty. I feel as if I should always be there, being the only child and all, but I know they love me and we'll celebrate in our own way and I'm sure everything will be fine. I definitely am going to miss the traditional tree hunt though. I'm not sure if they're going to go yet because Reno weather is kind of crazy, but part of me hopes they do. Our house is so beautiful with a live tree and the smell is wonderful, plus it always seems better to me to have a tree from the mountians than the supermarket.

I wonder where you get trees in North Carolina. It seems so surreal. Starting our new life. It's hard right now because Steven is there in our home and I am here. Realistically, I could've moved sooner, however, i couldn't afford to fly back for all of the wedding and christmas, so I choose to stay. Sometimes (more often than not) I wish I'd left already, but not always. I'm glad I have time with my parents, glad i was able to be present for everything for the Dacus wedding and able to attend the Lasita wedding. I'm so scared to leave everything here, my home, my friends, my family, my school, my history. At the same time, I could not be more excited for our new adventure!

Thursday, June 7, 2012

If Only

The internet is public, anyone can read anything you write, but most of the time, no one does, which, I suppose, can be beneficial. This can be a place where I say the things I really wish to say but never can.

I found this picture today and, unfortunately, felt as if it was made for me.
I don't know why, if it's because I'm an only child who's sick of being along, if it's because I've never had a great track record for relationships, or what it is but I feel alone every single day. Some days definitely have moments where I feel treasured but those seem so sparse. I know one of the hardest things is having some of the best friends in the world but not being "best friends" I've got a best friend in Kansas who I hardely talk to... for no other reason than I just suck at communication I've got a best friend in Carson, West Reno, 2 blocks down, across the hall, all who I usually feel very distant from. ANd the worst one, the one I think that creates most of my feeling is being engaged to a man over 3,000 miles away. Hearing someone's voice... for some reason just doesn't fill that void and the three hour time difference, ugh that kills me, he wakes up and i'm asleep he's at work when i wake up then I'm at work when he gets off, I get off work and he's getting in to bed. It's terrible and no one understands. A few people come close to understanding but it's so hard to explain the feeling that comes from anywhere from 5-20 minutes of communication a day with your fiance and only sing him in person ... maybe 15 days a year.

When I think about it I have about 10 people I know I can count on for anything but it makes me sad at the same time because... well I really don't talk to any of them on a daily basis.

I wish I could be that girl that's always with friends, always talking to them, always has someone to hang out with and never has to sit at home watching tv because everyone else is busy. Unfortunately, that is not the girl I am. O well.

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

People Change

Every day it amazes me even more how people change.

I read a quote today which read "They say people come and go, but the truth is, no one really disappears from your life. People never really leave; their roles in your life simply change. "

At first I was thinking about the people I knew, the people I was friends with, the people I hated, the people I wanted to know, but then I started thinking about who I am, who my friends were and how we've changed.
For example:
  • Nearly 4.5 years ago Steven Kots and I were complete strangers looking for nothing more than a college fling and in 4 months and 14 days... we'll be husband and wife. There is so much to say about him and our life together that i'd probably need a separate blog, a video camera,  some pictures an a time machine. That would be the only way to explain our love, our life and our story to those who don't know us.
  • When I was 5 years old I met a girl named Cassandra Patterson. In 11 days she will be getting married. I can't believe how fast time flies. :)
  • In high school I reconnected with a girl I'd met in 6th grade named Lauren Lewis. We became great friends. We laughed together, played together, wept together. She helped me through the deaths of two important people in my life and has taught me so much. There was even a point in out friendship where we swore we'd never speak again, yet today... all I can say is that I don't know what I'd do with out her. And... going with the theme. She will marry the man of her dreams in 5 months and 26 days. She has also given birth to one of the most beautiful little girls I've ever seen. 
  • Briana Bailey. Briana I met when I was 9 or 10. We have been through so much together also. I will never forget when Bri started dating Blake, a guy I'd known since I was 11 from a completely different aspect of my life and this town. Another way things change. I never knew he could be the man, husband and father he is today and I am so excited for both of them to welcome their new addition. 
  • Sarah Hills... o miss Sarah Hills, a stranger, then a niece pearl, then a friend, then a roommate, then a sole mate. When I was first told she'd be my niece peal I had no idea what to get a girl I'd never really met. After I got to know her I really started to like her. Then when we lived together we found out our parent's have known each other forever. I wasn't quite positive yet, but when I found that out I was pretty sure we were sole mates. If not then it was just a HUGE freaking coincidence that Tri Delta assigned me to a random girl who other girls had asked to support and roomed us together. This girl is my other half. I have been dating Steven for the last five years but Sarah, Sarah's my sister, my roommate, my friend, my date for any kind of event. She's the friend I had always hoped for. We may not spend every waking minute together (since we got jobs and moved apart at least =P) and we may not braid each others hair (except for that one time haha) but we are best friends. I tell her everything and she's always there for me. Not to mention the crazy stories she tells me and the things I learn from her haha. There is so much to our friendship that just can't be explained and can't be duplicated.  We have come so far in the years that we've known each other and grown both as people and as friends. I can't wait to see what the future brings us :)
  • Janet Blanke - almost a year ago, I was an intern and J was a dancer. We worked together and that was about it. But then a series of events led to a friendship I hope will last forever. I can honestly say when I met this spunky, smiling little dancer last year, I wouldn't have guessed she'd be one of my bridesmaids and my closest friends.
  • Ember Oseto- When I started working at the Nugget I was warned about the mean night supervisor and how she was cranky, or whatever they all said. Luckily, I like to get to know people and make my own decisions because I would've missed out on a great friend. Even though I will give her man crap until the day I die I love their little family and mr. Chandler. I only wish I could see them more. But once life settles down a little I hope to do just that.
  • Bree Harris, crazy, insane, silly, outgoing Bree. A classmate, an acquaintance, a friend. This is one of those friendships that you treasure because you know no matter where life takes you and no matter how far apart you become, no matter how long it's been since you've spoken... the conversation and the friendship pick up right where they left off the last time.
  • Kurt Itskin, 4.5 years ago he was an ATO pledge in my math class and now I don't know what I'd do without him either. I know some days we drive each other crazy but I think that's why his mom says we're like brother and sister. We are kind of that quote "friends are family we choose" we choose to be friends so we don't drive each other completely bonkers, but we do a pretty good job =P
  • When I started hanging out at Phi Delt I met a girl name Melyssa  Roe. She seemed so nice and I really wanted to get to know her. I spent less time at Phi Delt and, therefore, less time with her. A few months later, who rushed Tri Delt? Melyssa. I was so excited but hadn't been talkative enough for her to remember me and she thought i was weird lol. I will never get the day she told me that. Anyway, she's taught me so much and I'm excited to say she too will wed someone I knew as a kid. Sam. When we were young I could never have predicted he'd join the military and turn into a sweet (yet still sassy) guy. I guess the right girl can affect every guy. I am so excited for them and can't wait for their wedding next year
  • I know some people may think I left them out or wonder why they were not included, but I can't write everything I think and I can't not write in fear of upsetting someone. One thing I've learned over the past year as well, is that just because you don't see each other everyday, doesn't mean you don't have a friend. I have some of the best friends in the world.
There have been friendships that I have lost over the past few years but when I look back on those I realize that, while they might've been difficult at the time, they were steps I needed to take to become the woman I am today. In the past I looked back on those memories and wished to do it over again, but then I realized that we've changed and that part of our lives is in the past, a chapter in our books that has ended and now I am happy to smile and remember that they happened. I treasure it's friendship I've had and even the enemies I've had, each relationship has taught me so much about life and love.

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Nervous Already? O Boy!

For the last 16 months I have been "planning" our wedding.
  • "O I think we could do this here" 
  • "I think we should put that there" 
  • "Wouldn't it be fun to do this?" 
  • "I don't really know, it's so far away" definitely my most popular sentence
I have so much planned and everyone is shocked that I planning is essentially finished, I was proud of myself and feeling confident... until today.

Today I discussed times, times when my girls need to be ready, times when I need to be ready, time when the photos will be taken, the time when I will walk down the isle. I have no idea why but this made me so nervous! I feel like I shouldn't possibly be nervous already but I am! It blows my mind that the idea of the wedding day is already making me nervous, and here I thought I was going to be perfectly fine. Wrong! I am nervous the right photos won't get taken, I am afraid it might rain or be windy or sunburn all our guests, I'm afraid I'll be late, afraid we'll miss the sunset for our sunset beach photos. O my goodness the curse of a running mind!

I am so excited to wear my gorgeous dress and accessories and final say "I do" to the man of my dreams in front of our family and our friends, but the details scare the crap out of me! One thing that does make me laugh is picturing the look on my mother's face, Sarah's face and even Stephanie (one of our amazing photographers) as they tell me to take a deep breath and stop freaking out. I can only imagine the things that might be said to me if a start thinking about too many things.

My mind will be on:
  • the time
  • the flowers
  • the guests
  • the music
  • the groom
  • the daring and dangerous groomsmen
  • the weather, 
  • the dress,
  • the make-up
  • the hair
and I won't be able to stop it. I am a creature of habit and those closest to me such as my lovely bridesmaids and mother will most likely be saying some pretty interesting things and doing some even crazier stuff to get me to stop thinking about everything and I love them for that.

I am worried things won't go perfectly but that's life and I guess all I need to try and remember is that most likely, at some point in our future (who knows when) everything that happens we will laugh about. "It makes for a good story" as my mom always says :).

Monday, April 9, 2012

God Gave Me You

Have you ever been afraid to believe in something?

Most people who know me know that I used to be a goody-two-shoes go to church twice on Sundays and once for practice kind of girl. I loved it. I loved singing, I loved serving, I loved being there, but slowly things started to change.

A few years ago I changed. I ran away from most things I knew and tried to be someone different. Everyday that I pass my old church I yearn to go inside. I want to go back to singing in the choir and being an alter-server and having great friends and even the dreaded Sunday school, but every time I see the church I am also reminded of why I left. I am reminded of the things I didn't believe in, the conflicts, the disappointment and I think "how can I go back now?" I have thought about going to other churches, however, I've been to many and I just I can't get my old church out of my mind.

When I was 8 years old my mother and I joined the congregation. Shortly after I went through classes to be an alter server. I loved it there. It was small and dark and crowded but everyone knew everyone, no one was afraid to say hi or sit too close, and the priest was like a grandfather. I know they are supposed to be like fathers but I like my dad and I didn't have a grandfather, and Father O'brien was very old and very wise so he reminded me more of a grand father. It was a happy place for me.

Then it changed.

The church moved and became... modern. Now going into the church is like going into a gymnasium, half of the people don't even seem to know why they are there, no one speaks to anyone any more. It's as if we are all strangers, well we are all strangers, but praising God in one house makes me feel as if strangers is not what we should be. The thing that really got me was when our new priest fired most of the volunteers and hired people who didn't even share our faith. Watching our choir director it crackers and drink a pepsi during mass broke my heart. I couldn't understand why we would hire someone who not only did not share our faith but also did not respect it.

One of the reasons I joined the choir in the first place is because when I was young someone told me singing prayers got them to god faster because the notes and melody carried the words like a cloud up to him. Watching this woman sing our prayers broke my heart. Slowly others began to change too. A few of the band members stated they no longer believed, however, continued to participate for various reason; ie families, playing time, etc. Eventually, I couldn't take it anymore and left the choir and eventually the church.

Every day I think about going back but I am not sure I can. I am so scared to go back but I am scared I am not whole without it. Steven and I decided to dance our first dance to God Gave Me You and ... I feel so guilty believing God gave him to me and everything else I have in my life, yet I can't suck it up and go to church to worship him. People have told me that I don't have to return as long as I worship him on my own, but something in my heart tells me that's just not working, it's not good enough. I wish he could tell me what to do.

Yesterday my mother and I drove around to see if any stores were open to look for something, and while I was surprised and a little irritated that majority of stores were closed, it made me kind of happy. It so hard now to decide what is right and what is normal. There are so many different beliefs and none of them can be proven wrong or right.

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Opening Day

Today is opening day at the Reno Aces.

Depending on who you talk to this can mean a multitude of things. Some will say "So?". Some might say "This marks the beginning of summer". Some might be diehard fans and this is when life is great. But for someone like me, someone who used to work at the Aces stadium, this is bittersweet. Some days I wonder if I took my time there for granted. Thinking about opening day I think about all the prep work and hours that went in to making sure everything went smoothly. I think of the friends I made and even the frenemies I acquired. I think of the smell of the park, the sounds, the food we shared with each other when someone wasn't prepared and the nights spent at Freight House recuperating from the children trying to rip Archie's arm off and the drunk adults who hassled us for not dancing perfectly or not putting them in a game. Last summer was one of the best of my entire life and, while I may not be working at the park again, I intend to make this summer just as great.

The thought of this summer scares me a little, I have to admit. I love where I'm at right now, I love my job, I love my friends, I love my family, I love my town, the only thing that is missing is my man. However, the problem I'm facing is to have my man things are going to have to change. When they will change I am not quite sure but they will. I am so excited for this new chapter in my life and I can't wait to start it, however, I am scared of leaving turning the page and leaving this chapter behind me. I know that my friends and family will continue to be in the chapters of my life and every once in a while I'll come back to Reno for my friends, fam, The Reno Aces, The Reno Rodeo, maybe even the Shakespeare Festival and by god you better believe it I will be back one day for Night in the Country, but as for now the uncertainty in the timeline of my future has lead me to promise myself, "This will be the summer of a life time, one I'll never forget." Starting off with Reno Aces tonight and ending with our wedding in September, this summer season (technically) is going to rock.

Friday, March 30, 2012

1.3 lbs !

Whoot!! Monday night I decided I wanted to buckle down and get my butt in gear and in shape. I went ot the gym twice Tuesday, once Wednesday, once Thursday and then this morning, I also gave up carbs starting Monday afternoon till probably this afternoon =P but already in just 4 days I'm down 1.3 lbs!

I was thinking goofing a round early and I came across this dress that I think is my new goal and motivation. My bachelorette party is July 2012 and I think this dress is it!! I've never worn anything like it and I definitely wouldn't wear it now, but I am going to do all I can to fit in it by then! or something similar! I know I probably should order it now but I'm not about to order something in advance that might not fit or might fit and be hideous but my goal is to fit in a gorgeous, sexy, look at me white/ivory "Vegas" dress by Saturday 21st. If I have to do two a days every day!

Here's to the future!

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Starting Over

Unfortunately, I have not been making the progress I wanted. I knew that this would happen... which is why, I'm sure, it did.

This time though, this time I am working harder than ever and actually believe I will find results. Much to my dismay I have taken two huge steps that I wish this process could do with out.
  1. I have hired a personal trainer. I have always wanted to but the cost has always stopped me and I wish I was strong enough to do this without one but boy am I glad I have one. His name is Jeff, he kicks my ass and shows no mercy. Recovering from my bronchitis/laryngitis/viral infection thing he worked me out hard enough for it to count, but easy enough to keep me conscious, which I appreciated, however, last night I made a point of pointing out my voice had come back... mistake! The no mercy Jeff is back. 
  2. I have committed to a Mon-Fri carbohydrate free diet. I feel like an addict. After months of eating nothing "bad" for me except for potatoes (i.e. potato chips, baked potatoes and french fries) cutting them out is so hard! I do have to admit though. I had commented before on the fact that I was afraid I'd never be able to go with out them. Well day 2 potato free is a success!! I know it sounds lame. But there's something about giving up the only "processed" things you can eat hahaha.
Monday I was not able to attend the gym due to my almost all-nighter my addiction to Hunger Games caused and my physical thereapy appointment in the afternoon.

Tuesday though, Tuesday was rough. I drug my determined self to the gym at 5:30 am and did the eliptical for 30 minutes and the bike for 15. Then I decided I should probably get ready for work. I ended up being an hour early and decided next time I'll swim as well. After work I headed to personal training, however I always do 15-30 minutes on the elliptical before that too. Then Sarah and I moved the rest of the stuff out of our apartment (a whole topic unto itself). Needless to say I am exhausted!

Normally, I would've worked myself too hard to move the next day... and while my muscles may agree, they accompanied to the gym this morning anyway :)

A definite scare for me though was sitting in my orthopedic surgeon's office this morning as he told me I might have a broken foot and need to have x-rays. All I could thing about was "really? again? every time I get going and get into a groove and am thinking it will finally happen... something happens. Broken leg, broken wrist, broken foot, health problems, sickness you name it.." I said ok and headed to the x-ray room. Well, turns out I've had two broken toes (the two i suspected to be broken anyway) for the last six weeks and since I didn't take painkillers due to my suspicion of broken bones, they are nearly healed. I did however, allow the swelling to go on long enough to stretch out a ligament. Now I don't know much about them but my ortho. kept talking about me stretching out my ligament and almost dislocating and if that happened I'd need surgery. I got a cortozone shot and am hoping for the best. My least favorite part of the meeting was when he brought up tests I had done 5 years ago. "Five years ago you tested negative for Rheumatoid arthritis, I would like to get you tested again though." O joy! I've lucked out most of my life with minor sprains, minor headaches, Celiac instead of ovarian cancer...  ya know, I've gotten the lesser of two evils every time so, my hope is that I get the lesser of two evils this time as well. I would rather have joint pain as a result of being chubby and out of shape or a former athlete gone computer nerd, than have RA.

So much  has happened I definitely think I should start writing more often again, and perhaps I will. For sake of space (and the fact that my lunch is over) I'll end here.

Happy Hump Day!

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Random Thoughts 2

Well haven't I been a slacker recently.

Life has been so insane I guess I forgot to blog.
My life hasn't changed that much, I have been trying to workout more and lose weight, however, that hasn't been going well, obviously. I am trying something new now though, so I hope this will have a better turn out.

I keep being told i need to do cardio to see results but I haven't been approved for any activity yet that I know how to do that provides cardio. I am allowed to swim but I'm not supposed to kick, which kind of defeats the purpose. I just found out yesterday though, that I am allowed to do the bike. I am pretty stoked about that. Still no running, dancing, elipticals, etc. But I will take what I can get :)

Life has been so interesting this year. Two of my best friends have gotten engaged and are planning to get married this year as well! It's so exciting.

I think one of the hardest things to deal with is seeing people who are excited about the wedding. Don't get me wrong, I'm stoked, but it's so hard to be excited about something that may not happen. I know Steven and I will get married this year, that part I am sure about, however, the big white wedding, that's still up for debate. I hate the military so much. I wish they would just tell you. "We'll see how training is going" is so not an acceptable answer when you're planning a wedding. There is so much thought, time and money that goes into a wedding, and contracts are signed that some time don't allow wiggle room for dates. When are they going to tell us? The day before? The week before? The month before? This whole thing has me sound wound up I've actually been trying to avoid people so I don't have to talk about the wedding but, when I fail to avoid them it's always the same; "O no, that's horrible." "Well you don't look very excited", "What are you guys going to do?", "Are you going to cancel/postpone/have the wedding via skype? So many questions all the time and the look on their face is always the same when I have to say "I don't have an answer."

I don't though. Plain and simple. I don't know.


I have to tell you though, if we do have the wedding... It's gonna be awesome :) the planning is almost complete. If I could just be sure he'd be there I would be so unbelievably stoked :)

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Random Thoughts

O weight loss how you torture me so. It seems as if every time I try to lose weight i start off really good and then something goes horribly wrong. Well, this time I am not going to give up. The past few days I've been allowing myself to cheat on my diet or whatever you call it, because I've been in so much pain, but I'm over it. I am signing up with Fitness Connection ASAP so that I can swim in the mornings or at lunch or after work or something and I will learn how to do more upper body stuff while I am in physical therapy.

o ya! Physical therapy! For all of you who may be curious, I had my appointment with my orthopedic surgeon yesterday. It was a lot of news, some good, some bad, some.. well neither really.
  • Good News- not broken
  • Good News- didn't harm my reconstructive surgery I'd had as a teen
  • Good News- we know what is hurting - my subtailor joint (I can never remember the name and always say subterraneal lol so not a word or a joint.) 
  • Bad News- We don't know what is wrong with it or why
  • Good and Bad News- My ankle is unusually weak, it is possible that my subtailor joint has been taking a beating since my ankle is so weak. 
  • Solution- Shot of cortisone and steroids with a freaking 3+ inch needle yesterday (more to come) 6 weeks of physical therapy to attempt to strengthen the ankle and then if that doesn't work and MRI. (keeping my fingers crossed about the physical therapy!)
So there you have it, my leg update. So now I am going to start going back to the gym (since i can't go back to Zumba :( ) and I am going to work as hard as I can.

I wonder if I am addicted to potato chips. I have not had a single potato chip today and feel like I am going through withdrawals or something. I mean I am not shaking or anything but I keep thinking about them and keep wanting to go to the store to buy them. I feel like I am trying to get sober. I keep telling myself that maybe I am an addict and I need to give them up... but then I think about the alternatives. I eat fruit, vegetables and meat, that's it, all day, except for potatoes and the occasionally trip to frozen yogurt. Everyone needs junk food, a comfort food, if I give up my potato chips (all natural so no corn anything) every alternative has about twice the amount of calories. French fries, gluten free cookies or candy. The crap they use to substitute for flour is so much worse for you than potatoes and salt in olive oil. O I wish I knew what to do. I don't like only having one junk food. Yesterday when I met with someone at Fitness Connection he congratulated me on my Celiac and corn allergy "You've already got your diet under control, that's half the battle" I asked him about my potato chip issue and he said everyone needs something... maybe he's right. Ugh, who knows, I hope he's right cause I don't think I can give them up lol.

I'm not on the track I wanted to be on with my weight loss but I am still doing pretty good. Hopefully now that I've gotten my eating under control and I am going to start Fitness Connection I can get back on track. I am 20 lbs from my goal now :) whoot!

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Long Lost Blogger

Hello from the long lost blogger. When I started this blog I wanted to write one everyday. I knew life wasn't necessarily that interesting but figured I could find something to write about.

Then, for lack of better words, all hell broke lose. So many things happened all at once I didn't know what to do. So many bad things happened I wanted to sink into a depression, lock myself in my house, cry, etc., but then there was the birth of beautiful Addison Dacus, the first snowfall, fun times with friends and a few dinners with family. It was so hard because things made me want to be happy but I had the bad things in my mind saying "How could you be happy right now?" I thought I was losing it and felt like I just couldn't handle it anymore.

Somebody asked me once how I handle being in a long distance relationship. I asked her if she wanted the supportive sister answer of the honest friend answer. Before she could reply I thought about what my answers would be
  • Supportive Sister Answer: "I remind myself of all of the good times and why we're together. We also talk everyday even if just for a minute and we skype as often as possible."
  • Honest Friend Answer: " I don't handle it. It hurts everyday. It gets easier with time but I still often cry myself to sleep and pray we could be together."
"Both answers were honest, just different kinds of honest" I thought to myself.

Then I thought about it more. "What does handling it mean? I mean, reminding myself of the good times, loving each other, talking, skyping, that's handling it right? Were still together and still apart, so I suppose that's considered handling it... Right?"

These thoughts spiked my curiosity and i looked it up. Now there were the definitions "to grip" "something added to an object for it to be held" etc. but for the sake of time I'll cut to the definitions I found relevant.

Handle (verb)
  • to manage, deal with, or be responsible for: My wife handles the household accounts. This computer handles all our billing.
  • to use or employ, especially in a particular manner; manipulate: to handle color expertly in painting.
  • to manage, direct, train, or control: to handle troops.
  • to deal with (a subject, theme, argument, etc.): The poem handled the problem of instinct versus intellect.
So, while life may be tough and while we still may not have the answer to things we are looking for, we need never discourage ourselves by believing we are faced with an obstacle we can't handle, because as long as we keep going, we are handling it.

(Now a lack of patience, something completely different =P I want answers to my questions now. Not next week, not next month, now. )

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Wedding Planning - Stress Management Practice?

Wedding planning, wedding planning, how you stress me out.

Who knew wedding's could be so stressful? O wait, I did. Everyone has told me how stressful wedding planning could be but I though, "Meh, we're pretty simple people, it probably won't be that bad."


Wedding Planner- Easy, Liane McCombs is and amazing wedding planner and used to be a Tri Delta, what more do you need?

PicBox- Easy! Loved it!

Venue- Stressful! $17,000 at Zephyr for food, venue and "picnic ware" + a $250 fee for every vendor we didn't use on the preferred vendor list and a $2.50 cutting fee per person for the cake? I think NOT! Thank God for Embassy Suites and Lakeside Beach.

Minister- Piece of cake! Venue suggested, he is amazing! Even figured out a way around our marriage license issues :)

Photographer - STRESSFUL - Until I met the absolutely AH-MAY-ZING Stephanie and Nick Williams at Handlebar studios. I am so lucky to have found them. They seem amazing both as people and professionals and have gone out of their way to make me feel stress free. I can't wait till I am freaking out on my wedding day and my loving mother is talking to me calmly and my best friends are surrounding me trying to make sure everything is perfect and Stephanie is taking pictures and says something like "Dude, will you chill out!" I have to tell you I knew they were awesome but when we went to take our save the dates and Steven liked Nick and then Steven picked up a plastic warrior helmet from the prop box and said "This wouldn't protect anyone" and Stephanie looked at him with that 'are you crazy' look and said "Umm I'm pretty sure it isn't mean to" and everyone laughed...I knew that everything would be great!

  • Even after we took our Save The Dates, Steven said he really liked them and that he could've kept taking photos. First time he has ever like a photographer besides my mom. He had fun, it made me so happy :)

Wedding Gown - David's Bridal... If you're looking for pretty dresses - you could go to David's if you are looking for good service and a great experience - RUN!!! Run far away. I'm sure people would disagree but I had the absolutely worst experience of my life there. Not of my wedding experiences, but worst of my life! Then mom convinced me to give a chance to the salon of a woman name Michelle Depoali. Mom said she had talked to Kendyl Depoali (she works at the school named after her) and she'd total her about Michelle and her salon Swoon. GOD SEND! Michelle and her girls are absolutely amazing :)

Flowers - Stressful. Let you know more when I actually end up figuring them out. Thank God my Aunt Pandy is making half of my centerpieces. I am so lucky to have her!

Invitations- SO MANY INVITATIONS!!!!!

The Rest of The Wedding- Have yet to plan =P

I guess the moral of the story. Experiences may try to knock you down, some may even run you over, but with love and determination you dust yourself off and get back out there.. Who knows, what you find may be greater than what you lost. :)

Tuesday, January 10, 2012


What I learned today,

  • Waiting for one of your lifelong and best friends to give birth to a baby girl everyone can't wait to meet.... Makes one nervous.
  • Using your abs and legs to make your hips shake makes you super sore
  • Do not forget a hair tie when planning on doing Zumba (or any cardio i assume) for a long period of time. 
  • Ask a coworker for something she was supposed to do months ago... "soon" ask her in front of your boss "done"! whoot
  • Still makes me smile when someone from the past remembers me. I love looking at a person and remembering all the good times. I love looking at a person, sharing a smile and knowing while you may never have the same relationship again, or one at all for that matter, you will always have the past, you will always have the memories, you will always have that smile. Maybe you used to be enemies... but that smile, it says "I forgive you", it says "I hope you are happy", it says everything. 
  • Chicken on a miniature George Forman  - difficult 
  • Looney toons - still funny
  • I have the best, most supportive friends and family
  • I am not as weak as I thought :) Probably the most important lesson of the day
Had a great day at work today. I feel totally accomplished. For SO MANY reasons haha. At lunch however I went to the dentist. OMG it took forever. While I was waiting for the dentist I over heard one of the hygienists talking about how she found a gorgeous wedding gown but refused to pay $700 for something she'd only wear once. I was so curious because, heck, I know people who paid more than that for a prom dress. I was wondering if it could be because of money but listening to her talk about vacations I'm gonna think not. Then I heard her say how she was so simple but her fiance is freaking out planning everything... Lol I definitely think there's a little role reversal. I thought it was very interesting. I wonder what it would be like to be someone who wants to rent their wedding gown. I know there are people that have to, but to want to. Perhaps she's a tomboy, or just one of those girls who never dreamt of a prince charming and a big white wedding.
Unfortunately I am not one of those people. However, I have to admit, I'm not to torn up about that because our wedding is going to be one hell of a party. I am so excited to marry the man of my dreams. I can't wait to get all dolled up and see the look on his face when he sees me for the first time in a breathtaking white gown. I hope he'll think I'm breathtaking. I've always dreamt of being the girl that walks into the room and everyone stares. But honestly, as long as he's jaw drops or he's eyes tear up or something.. I will feel like a million dollars.

Thinking about my weight loss goal I've started thinking, "what if I do reach it? What do I do then?" and "When I do reach my goal, what will he think?" May 25th I will see Steven for the first time since December 26, 2011. There are 20 weeks between now and then which would be 40 lbs. I would weigh 148.4 lbs. That will be 23 pounds less than I have weighed EVER, in my entire life. Can i even get that small?? What will he think? Will he think I'm pretty, will I think I'm pretty? With my bone size will I look too thin. So many questions... I can't wait till I start seeing improvements in my body. I can't wait to see who I turn out to be. 

I am so excited. 

Monday, January 9, 2012

Stalker With A Dog Toenail Fetish?

Back to work another day :) I love my job but I could not bring myself to get out of bed today and when I finally did... I could not keep my eyes open all day. I really wanted to drink coffee or 5-hour energy but I tend to get a little loopy after haha.

Today I finally found a new e-newsletter layout, sent out an affinity partners email and scheduled another one. I had a few meetings, one in person and a few over the phone, with radio station managers to place our radio ad. Radio ads are a lot more expensive than I thought they were.

I also found out that we are all getting new computers! Thank God! My speakers are broken and my email doesn't work and my computer is super slow.. I'm so freaking stoked!

The highlight of the day though had to be when I received a package from a gentleman who wrote a book for CPAs. The book came in a package that was almost destroyed by the time it got to me and the papers were wrinkled. When I went to show my coworker how bad the package was some fell out of it on to her desk. Everyone was super freaked! We are 98% sure that it is a dog toenail! One of my coworkers and I took it around to the others (one kept running away Bahahahahah) and we ruled out pasta, dried garlic, human nail and a few other things. After googling dog toenails we decided that's what it must be. I am not sure why we found it so interesting but it was epic! We laughed so hard I thought I was going to die. I joked about having a stalked with a foot fetish and now my boss jokes about wanting to see what other kind of things I receive.

I didn't do very well on my diet today :( I am kind of disappointed in myself but I am not going to let it get me down. I went to Zumba today with Melyssa and Sarah, it was a ton of fun. I totally learned my lesson too! Stress eat junk food during the day = Feel like crap during/after zumba. Now I am exhausted and my stomach hurts haha. Progress??

I am looking forward to Zumba tomorrow and thursday. :) It makes me happy that I've finally found something I look forward to.I really want to go wednesday too but Wednesday is Zumba with weights.. haha I'm not quiet sure if I am ready for that after only four days of Zumba. We'll see how sore I am Wednesday, we did a lot of squats and stuff today.

Off to bed :)

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Voice In My Head

I love hearing his voice it makes me happy and sad and excited and nervous and so many things all at once.

Right now though his voice is ringing in my head. He called today. We talked for a while then he called his parents. Then he called me to say bye. When my phone rang again I was confused.

"Hello?", I asked, "I thought you had to go"
He took a breath and said "I do, I just really wanted to hear your voice one more time"

Makes my heart flutter. God I love him :)

Blog O Blog How I Underestimated You

It is only 12:30 on Sunday and I already feel like I have so much to write about!!!

My blog... way different responses than I anticipated. As many of you may have noticed, my last blog changed a little bit. I am thinking about starting an anonymous blog somewhere so I can have my complaining blogs but for the sake of my job and my future... I will attempt to refrain from complaining on here.

So for a run-down of my weekend


  • While writing my blog the future daddy-in-law called and I ended up going to dinner with him and a friend. 
  • Next I picked up Gabriele, my future mother-in-law, at the airport and we went to my house to close all my windows so my fish wouldn't freeze (apartment refinished the bath tup 80 ). I went into the laundry room to close the windows.... HUGE!!! spider! o my gosh we screamed and hid in the living room plotting our attack. I won't take you through the whole ordeal but... 
    • 1/4 of a can of hair spray + 1/2 bottle of windex + a running shoe = that sucker is dead!
  • We left the house and went to my parents, where we were planning to stay and I did all of the first time introductions... It went really well :) then it was off to bed.
  • 7 am Weigh in - I lost 1.6 lbs. Whoot!!! stoked! 
  • 9:30 am Swoon Bridal Saloon- Progress ;)
  • 12:00 p.m. Meeting with the wedding coordinator in Lake Tahoe at the Embassy Suites - More Progress
  • 5 p.m. Dinner with my parents, Steven's parents and my grandparents. 
  • 6 p.m. rehearsal Dinner planning. 
  • Took Gaby to the airport :( 
  • Fell back asleep until 9 
  • Wedding List Finalization 
  • Bridesmaid Gift Ordering
Overall... I think it was a pretty productive weekend. Hopefully I will get to go to Fro-yo later with miss Amanda Alling. I can't wait until next Saturday. This past week i started my diet and new years resolutions on Tuesday. This week I have been pretty good on the diet all weekend and I get to go to my Zumba class Monday- Thursday maybe Saturday or Sunday if I am not too tired.
I'm not sure I've told many people why I think this time is different but perhaps I should. I've tried to lose weight before but I could never stick with it. Finding a studio completely dedicated to Zumba means I don't have to try and fit working out into my schedule.. The studio offers so many times, that it would almost be impossible for me not to find time to go. Also, the most important thing, Steven has always said that he believes in me and that I can do this. He's said he believes if I find the right plan I can stick to it... The last time we said goodbye we were hugging and he said goodbye and that he couldn't wait to see me...Then he kissed my forehead and said he couldn't wait to see the new me. For some reason, that, right there, changed everything.

Saturday, January 7, 2012

Friday, January 6, 2012


While, it may not actually be true, at this moment in time I feel like I can say that I have NEVER been more thankful that it is Friday. This week has been absolute mas chaos and unfortunately shows no sign of giving in next week.

Just for a quick run down of my day.
  • I Realized I have to create an entire new e-newsletter template by monday. 
  • Lost track of time and missed my lunch hour
  • I was asked 6 times when and email for a customer was going to be sent out
  • My email has officially stopped working and I have to log in from a completely different location to view my emails. 
  • I have a radio project that needs to be finalized within the next week
  • I was not able to start on an advertisement who's deadline is Wednesday 

Two of my co-workers are absolutely amazing. Crazy, fun, yet professional... the other two? ... interesting

As I write this I am currently sitting in my office chair wondering if I should start my next project, or if I should just leave. My mother-in-law is coming to visit (yay) but her plane does not lane until eight. My projects will take a while. I can either go with out dinner (much like today's lunch) and work on all of the things that need to be done Monday, or I can be happy it's Friday, go find dinner and chill until my my mother-in-law gets here. Most of me wants to stay and get work done, however, my on-setting migraine and my growling stomach disagree.

Decisions, Decisions.

Thursday, January 5, 2012


What a day!

Today was definitely one for the books. On Monday I was worried that I was not a real necessity at my company. Some weeks I have a life time supply of work to do but a good majority of the time I haven't been busy with much.
Well, here comes the new year. Welcoming in the new year I am creating a new rate card, setting up a new 6 week radio project, creating a biweekly e-newsletter, maintaining our new website, creating ads for local publications, planning events that will happen later in the year, and also I have been made the main contact for our companies affinity partners, What I am noticing now is that my job is extremely important, I just joined the company at a time when my job was not as needed. Early I described myself as feeling like a little girl in a big kids world but now.. now I am starting to feel like I actually belong here.

I always thought that after college I would face this great change. I would become an "adult". I have graduated college, landed an 8-5, salary job and I am planning my wedding to the man of my dreams who I have been with for 4.5 years. How much more grown-up can I get. right? This is what I realized today. I am in the real world; it's here; it's now; and I'm a grown-up. As scary as that might sound, I'm ready for it because it doesn't mean that I need to be someone different. I just need to be me. I finally get that.

Another revelation I had was the meaning of "In order to love others, you must first love yourself." I have always known why people say that but I have never understood it. Until today. Today I realized that I have spent years liking myself. When I was growing up I was desperately trying to be someone; to be important; to be need; to be. My friends all fit into categories

  • friends with problems i thought i could fix
  • boys who thought i was the cutest, smartest thing on the planet (even if they weren't)
  • friends who needed something
  • friends who's life's were extraordinarily different than mine.
I used to drop friends like hot potatoes, never keeping a friend for more than a couple of years. Recently I've noticed that I've been more true to myself, i speak my mind, I'm honest with my friends... and I am subconsciously turning my life around. There has one thing that has always been not good enough for me though. My body. Even when I was thin I was told and believed that I was fat. 

That changes now. 

I have found a type of exercise that is fun for me and that I look forward to everyday and I am doing relatively well at watching what I eat. If I stay on this track and lose 2 pounds a week I can lose 36 pounds. I will be seeing my fiance for the first time in 2012 on May 27th and if I can keep the weight loss steady I can lose 40 pounds. 

To encourage myself to lose weight I am, for the first time in my life, going to admit how much I weigh. Last Saturday I weighed in at Weight Watchers as I do every Saturday and I weighed 190.2 pounds. My goal is to weigh 155 pounds by Saturday May 12th. That will be the Saturday after my birthday. I would like to set a goal of 150 pounds by Saturday May 19th but before I do that I want to see how my body does. 
  • According to your height of 5' 8" your ideal healthy weight is 147 pounds. Your recommended weight range is between 131 and 164 pounds.
  • 146-167
I know these are not an exact science but based on these and the fact that the smallest I have ever been (when competing on two swim teams and training on a ski team) was 158, I think that 155 would be a great weight for me. As long as I get back to my size 8 dress.

Hopefully I show some progress this weekend at weigh in :)

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Starting Off The New Year Right

This morning I got the urge to set up a blog. I thought to myself, "You've always wanted to set up a blog, Why not now?"  I tried setting up a blog on a different site and was unsuccessful and then I stumbled upon Needless to say, I have spent the better half of my day setting up my blog. I picked out a template and put up some photos and, while I know it is not completely set up yet, I am happy with it.

When setting up my blog I was presented with a difficult task; picking a blog title. I went through quotes, sentences, jokes, and finally a list of all of the most famous and popular song titles. There were many that fit who I am and even more that would be great blog titles, but when I read "All You Need Is Love" I knew that was it. In the grand scheme of things, love isn't all you need. For all those skeptics out there, I am aware that you also need food, air, shelter, clothing, money, etc. but when you don't have those or when those are running short, it is usually love that can bring you through those hard times. Whether it be a shared love between you and another person, or a love between you and yourself, the strongest people in life have love.

After I decided my title I played with the template backgrounds and then found my way to a blog layout site with a lot of choices. I found a few that I really liked and just chose one, since there are hundreds of pages of layouts, so I assume that I will probably be playing with them later.

When I'd finally made my decision on my layout I got to design (which is also not finished) and then came the time to write. "Awesome, What do I do know?" I said to myself. Then I got to thinking. I have wanted to write a blog ever since I was a little kid and realized i have better luck with a laptop then a diary. Every year I tell myself I am going to start a blog and I never do, so why don't a make it a part of my new years resolutions and write those.

Now I know that resolutions are usually made in the end of the previosu year so that you may begin them on day one of the next year, but I've never really been one for New Years Resolutions so ... I figure this is progress.

Lauren's Resolutions:
  1. Start a blog.
  2. Lose Weight 
    • Diet
    • Exercise
  3. Learn French
  4. Practice Italian
  5. Worry Less
As of now, these are my resolutions. I planned to describe how I was going to accomplish all of these, however, work was busier that planned and now, to help accomplish resolution number 2 I have Zumba class at 5:30 with one of my BFF's Melyssa. So I must say goodbye. Tomorrow I will return and plan out my attack on my resolutions.