Sunday, January 19, 2014

Country Road; Radio Blasting.

Over the past couple of weeks I have been coming to a number of realizations. I know it seems cheesy since it's the new year and all, but for the first time in a long time I have an idea of who I want to be, what has been causing the down times in my life and what I need to do to change them.

Well today, for the second day in a row, after I woke up and brought the boys outside to go to the bathroom, I went back in my room to find out my terrior peed in my bed. Two nights in a row! Needless to say, this was kind of the straw that broke the camels back for me. I love my dogs dearly, but some days I just want to kill them, or give them up or something, but I know in my heart I can't do that.

I threw the sheets and pillow case in the wash, had a mini meltdown, put Dixie in the kennel and the boys in the car. I had planned on taking them for a walk and didn't want myself and the shepards to miss out just because I was angry with the little lady.

When we started our drive I wasn't quite sure where I wanted to go. I just drove. I decided to head towards Weymouth Woods, a park I take the dogs to sometimes because there is rarely anyone there. Once I got onto the backroad I rolled my windows down (even though it was pretty cold), tuned the heater on my feet, and blasted some of my favorite songs from highschool while singing at the top of my lungs. By the second song, my head ache was completely gone. I'd forgotten how relazing it is to sing at the top of my lungs, regardless of whether or not I know the lyrics; no cares in the world. It was amazing.

It's about a 30-40 minute drive to the woods, yet it still seemed like not enough time. We pulled into the parking lot, the boys went crazy and I put in my headphones, playing the same playlist I had previously been rocking out to. It is amazing how relazing the songs from my past can be. I started to jog down one of the many paths and felt free. Now, knowing me, my currently jogging skills have increased, however, I can't jog/run for more than 3 minutes without my lungs or knee acting up. If one of those hadn't stopped me, the boys innate need to sniff EVERYTHING definitely slowed things down. For the first time, I didn't mind. I didn't care how many calories I was burning and I didn't want to jerk them and yell and get frustrated with them sniffing everything and being on opposite sides of the trail. Normally this drives me insane, but I decided this was as much their vacation as it was mine.

On the way home I went the backway again. I love it. No stop signs, maybe 20 cars the whole time, 55 mph speed limit, and free.  It felt so nice to sing again. I felt carefree for that 2 hour period.

I hope throughout 2014 I continue to reevaluate and revitalize my life.

Saturday, January 18, 2014

Good Old Fashioned Catholic Guilt

Growing up I was "that girl". I was shy. I was quiet. I was reserved. I wanted to be outspoken and crazy but it never seemed to fit quite right, so instead I was the "goody two shoes". I never really had a problem with it. I loved church. I loved God. I loved religion. I loved mass. I loved Catholicism. I loved singing. I loved me.

Being naïve was always a little bit annoying. I rarely had any idea what was going on after everyone hit puberty. Although I mastered he convincing laugh to inappropriate jokes, I didn't start getting them until I was about 19 and, well, lets be honest, I still don't know what people are talking about half the time. My "x-rated" knowledge seems to be a lot of peoples "PG-13 rated" knowledge. Just the other day some folks were talking and I asked a friend what something meant and she just laughed and said "Oh lauren." Most people seem to want to keep me as naïve as possible. There is the occasional person who resembles my high school ex-boyfriend's brother that wants to tell me every inappropriate thing in the universe, but those people seem to be dwindeling as we get older.

I didn't swear until I was in college, and even know, I say it out of habit, but I still feel guilty.

Many days I miss the girl I used to be. The thing is, I kind of like the girl I am now. I like being able to speak my mind a little more and not always blend into the wall. However, I can tell the self-conscious, naïve person is still with me.

Nearly everyday the thought crosses my mind "how do I get back to her?" How does sinner mesh with the do-gooder. Growing up I rarely sinned, in fact, I can't think of a time when I did anything more than lie to my mom about cleaning my room. I was so terrified of upsetting God and disappointing myself. My senior year of high school my life changed, everything changed. As much as I still loved the Lord, I lost faith in my church. I'm not sure I've ever written or said that out loud before, but I lost faith in my church. Instead of choir being led by a volunteer from the congregation they hired someone who wasn't even Catholic. my ex-boyfriend still participated in the band even though he no longer believed in the religion. People started wearing sweats to church instead of dresses or nice dress suits. Among these were a plethora of other changes and I started to realize the old fashioned Roman Catholic Church I grew up in, the one I knew and loved, the one that defined me, was gone.

I tried to hang in, but I was so strict and felt like everything was wrong. I sang in the choir an participated as an alter sever until I started at the university. I began attending church less and less. At school I was introduced to alcohol, I had more people willing to explain those things to me that turned my cheeks red, curse words were more popular than in grade school and I began to sin. I felt guilty about it at first, terribly, terribly guilty. After a while some things became habit. A night out with the girls with alcohol, a minor curse word here and there; I could feel myself turning, but every step of the way the quit, naïve, church mouse from my past was echoing through my mind.

I want to go back to church. I want to sing again. I want to feel care free and good again. When I go to a church I feel out of place, nothing seems quite right and I feel like a heathen. I know deep down in my heart that the two sides of myself could potential merge into one unified being and I could stop feeling so guilty, and start being more ... "me", but I often wonder "Have I strayed to far?"