People Change

Every day it amazes me even more how people change.

I read a quote today which read "They say people come and go, but the truth is, no one really disappears from your life. People never really leave; their roles in your life simply change. "

At first I was thinking about the people I knew, the people I was friends with, the people I hated, the people I wanted to know, but then I started thinking about who I am, who my friends were and how we've changed.
For example:

• Nearly 4.5 years ago Steven Kots and I were complete strangers looking for nothing more than a college fling and in 4 months and 14 days... we'll be husband and wife. There is so much to say about him and our life together that i'd probably need a separate blog, a video camera,  some pictures an a time machine. That would be the only way to explain our love, our life and our story to those who don't know us.
• When I was 5 years old I met a girl named Cassandra Patterson. In 11 days she will be getting married. I can't believe how fast time flies. :)
• In high school I reconnected with a girl I'd met in 6th grade named Lauren Lewis. We became great friends. We laughed together, played together, wept together. She helped me through the deaths of two important people in my life and has taught me so much. There was even a point in out friendship where we swore we'd never speak again, yet today... all I can say is that I don't know what I'd do with out her. And... going with the theme. She will marry the man of her dreams in 5 months and 26 days. She has also given birth to one of the most beautiful little girls I've ever seen. 
• Briana Bailey. Briana I met when I was 9 or 10. We have been through so much together also. I will never forget when Bri started dating Blake, a guy I'd known since I was 11 from a completely different aspect of my life and this town. Another way things change. I never knew he could be the man, husband and father he is today and I am so excited for both of them to welcome their new addition. 
• Sarah Hills... o miss Sarah Hills, a stranger, then a niece pearl, then a friend, then a roommate, then a sole mate. When I was first told she'd be my niece peal I had no idea what to get a girl I'd never really met. After I got to know her I really started to like her. Then when we lived together we found out our parent's have known each other forever. I wasn't quite positive yet, but when I found that out I was pretty sure we were sole mates. If not then it was just a HUGE freaking coincidence that Tri Delta assigned me to a random girl who other girls had asked to support and roomed us together. This girl is my other half. I have been dating Steven for the last five years but Sarah, Sarah's my sister, my roommate, my friend, my date for any kind of event. She's the friend I had always hoped for. We may not spend every waking minute together (since we got jobs and moved apart at least =P) and we may not braid each others hair (except for that one time haha) but we are best friends. I tell her everything and she's always there for me. Not to mention the crazy stories she tells me and the things I learn from her haha. There is so much to our friendship that just can't be explained and can't be duplicated.  We have come so far in the years that we've known each other and grown both as people and as friends. I can't wait to see what the future brings us :)
• Janet Blanke - almost a year ago, I was an intern and J was a dancer. We worked together and that was about it. But then a series of events led to a friendship I hope will last forever. I can honestly say when I met this spunky, smiling little dancer last year, I wouldn't have guessed she'd be one of my bridesmaids and my closest friends.
• Ember Oseto- When I started working at the Nugget I was warned about the mean night supervisor and how she was cranky, or whatever they all said. Luckily, I like to get to know people and make my own decisions because I would've missed out on a great friend. Even though I will give her man crap until the day I die I love their little family and mr. Chandler. I only wish I could see them more. But once life settles down a little I hope to do just that.
• Bree Harris, crazy, insane, silly, outgoing Bree. A classmate, an acquaintance, a friend. This is one of those friendships that you treasure because you know no matter where life takes you and no matter how far apart you become, no matter how long it's been since you've spoken... the conversation and the friendship pick up right where they left off the last time.
• Kurt Itskin, 4.5 years ago he was an ATO pledge in my math class and now I don't know what I'd do without him either. I know some days we drive each other crazy but I think that's why his mom says we're like brother and sister. We are kind of that quote "friends are family we choose" we choose to be friends so we don't drive each other completely bonkers, but we do a pretty good job =P
• When I started hanging out at Phi Delt I met a girl name Melyssa  Roe. She seemed so nice and I really wanted to get to know her. I spent less time at Phi Delt and, therefore, less time with her. A few months later, who rushed Tri Delt? Melyssa. I was so excited but hadn't been talkative enough for her to remember me and she thought i was weird lol. I will never get the day she told me that. Anyway, she's taught me so much and I'm excited to say she too will wed someone I knew as a kid. Sam. When we were young I could never have predicted he'd join the military and turn into a sweet (yet still sassy) guy. I guess the right girl can affect every guy. I am so excited for them and can't wait for their wedding next year
• I know some people may think I left them out or wonder why they were not included, but I can't write everything I think and I can't not write in fear of upsetting someone. One thing I've learned over the past year as well, is that just because you don't see each other everyday, doesn't mean you don't have a friend. I have some of the best friends in the world.

There have been friendships that I have lost over the past few years but when I look back on those I realize that, while they might've been difficult at the time, they were steps I needed to take to become the woman I am today. In the past I looked back on those memories and wished to do it over again, but then I realized that we've changed and that part of our lives is in the past, a chapter in our books that has ended and now I am happy to smile and remember that they happened. I treasure it's friendship I've had and even the enemies I've had, each relationship has taught me so much about life and love.

Nervous Already? O Boy!

For the last 16 months I have been "planning" our wedding.

• "O I think we could do this here" 
• "I think we should put that there" 
• "Wouldn't it be fun to do this?" 
• "I don't really know, it's so far away" definitely my most popular sentence

I have so much planned and everyone is shocked that I planning is essentially finished, I was proud of myself and feeling confident... until today.

Today I discussed times, times when my girls need to be ready, times when I need to be ready, time when the photos will be taken, the time when I will walk down the isle. I have no idea why but this made me so nervous! I feel like I shouldn't possibly be nervous already but I am! It blows my mind that the idea of the wedding day is already making me nervous, and here I thought I was going to be perfectly fine. Wrong! I am nervous the right photos won't get taken, I am afraid it might rain or be windy or sunburn all our guests, I'm afraid I'll be late, afraid we'll miss the sunset for our sunset beach photos. O my goodness the curse of a running mind!

I am so excited to wear my gorgeous dress and accessories and final say "I do" to the man of my dreams in front of our family and our friends, but the details scare the crap out of me! One thing that does make me laugh is picturing the look on my mother's face, Sarah's face and even Stephanie (one of our amazing photographers) as they tell me to take a deep breath and stop freaking out. I can only imagine the things that might be said to me if a start thinking about too many things.

My mind will be on:

• the time
• the flowers
• the guests
• the music
• the groom
• the daring and dangerous groomsmen
• the weather, 
• the dress,
• the make-up
• the hair
• EVERYTHING!!!

and I won't be able to stop it. I am a creature of habit and those closest to me such as my lovely bridesmaids and mother will most likely be saying some pretty interesting things and doing some even crazier stuff to get me to stop thinking about everything and I love them for that.

I am worried things won't go perfectly but that's life and I guess all I need to try and remember is that most likely, at some point in our future (who knows when) everything that happens we will laugh about. "It makes for a good story" as my mom always says :).

God Gave Me You

Have you ever been afraid to believe in something?

Most people who know me know that I used to be a goody-two-shoes go to church twice on Sundays and once for practice kind of girl. I loved it. I loved singing, I loved serving, I loved being there, but slowly things started to change.

A few years ago I changed. I ran away from most things I knew and tried to be someone different. Everyday that I pass my old church I yearn to go inside. I want to go back to singing in the choir and being an alter-server and having great friends and even the dreaded Sunday school, but every time I see the church I am also reminded of why I left. I am reminded of the things I didn't believe in, the conflicts, the disappointment and I think "how can I go back now?" I have thought about going to other churches, however, I've been to many and I just I can't get my old church out of my mind.

When I was 8 years old my mother and I joined the congregation. Shortly after I went through classes to be an alter server. I loved it there. It was small and dark and crowded but everyone knew everyone, no one was afraid to say hi or sit too close, and the priest was like a grandfather. I know they are supposed to be like fathers but I like my dad and I didn't have a grandfather, and Father O'brien was very old and very wise so he reminded me more of a grand father. It was a happy place for me.

Then it changed.

The church moved and became... modern. Now going into the church is like going into a gymnasium, half of the people don't even seem to know why they are there, no one speaks to anyone any more. It's as if we are all strangers, well we are all strangers, but praising God in one house makes me feel as if strangers is not what we should be. The thing that really got me was when our new priest fired most of the volunteers and hired people who didn't even share our faith. Watching our choir director it crackers and drink a pepsi during mass broke my heart. I couldn't understand why we would hire someone who not only did not share our faith but also did not respect it.

One of the reasons I joined the choir in the first place is because when I was young someone told me singing prayers got them to god faster because the notes and melody carried the words like a cloud up to him. Watching this woman sing our prayers broke my heart. Slowly others began to change too. A few of the band members stated they no longer believed, however, continued to participate for various reason; ie families, playing time, etc. Eventually, I couldn't take it anymore and left the choir and eventually the church.

Every day I think about going back but I am not sure I can. I am so scared to go back but I am scared I am not whole without it. Steven and I decided to dance our first dance to God Gave Me You and ... I feel so guilty believing God gave him to me and everything else I have in my life, yet I can't suck it up and go to church to worship him. People have told me that I don't have to return as long as I worship him on my own, but something in my heart tells me that's just not working, it's not good enough. I wish he could tell me what to do.

Yesterday my mother and I drove around to see if any stores were open to look for something, and while I was surprised and a little irritated that majority of stores were closed, it made me kind of happy. It so hard now to decide what is right and what is normal. There are so many different beliefs and none of them can be proven wrong or right.

Opening Day

Today is opening day at the Reno Aces.

Depending on who you talk to this can mean a multitude of things. Some will say "So?". Some might say "This marks the beginning of summer". Some might be diehard fans and this is when life is great. But for someone like me, someone who used to work at the Aces stadium, this is bittersweet. Some days I wonder if I took my time there for granted. Thinking about opening day I think about all the prep work and hours that went in to making sure everything went smoothly. I think of the friends I made and even the frenemies I acquired. I think of the smell of the park, the sounds, the food we shared with each other when someone wasn't prepared and the nights spent at Freight House recuperating from the children trying to rip Archie's arm off and the drunk adults who hassled us for not dancing perfectly or not putting them in a game. Last summer was one of the best of my entire life and, while I may not be working at the park again, I intend to make this summer just as great.

The thought of this summer scares me a little, I have to admit. I love where I'm at right now, I love my job, I love my friends, I love my family, I love my town, the only thing that is missing is my man. However, the problem I'm facing is to have my man things are going to have to change. When they will change I am not quite sure but they will. I am so excited for this new chapter in my life and I can't wait to start it, however, I am scared of leaving turning the page and leaving this chapter behind me. I know that my friends and family will continue to be in the chapters of my life and every once in a while I'll come back to Reno for my friends, fam, The Reno Aces, The Reno Rodeo, maybe even the Shakespeare Festival and by god you better believe it I will be back one day for Night in the Country, but as for now the uncertainty in the timeline of my future has lead me to promise myself, "This will be the summer of a life time, one I'll never forget." Starting off with Reno Aces tonight and ending with our wedding in September, this summer season (technically) is going to rock.

1.3 lbs !

Whoot!! Monday night I decided I wanted to buckle down and get my butt in gear and in shape. I went ot the gym twice Tuesday, once Wednesday, once Thursday and then this morning, I also gave up carbs starting Monday afternoon till probably this afternoon =P but already in just 4 days I'm down 1.3 lbs!

I was thinking goofing a round early and I came across this dress that I think is my new goal and motivation. My bachelorette party is July 2012 and I think this dress is it!! I've never worn anything like it and I definitely wouldn't wear it now, but I am going to do all I can to fit in it by then! or something similar! I know I probably should order it now but I'm not about to order something in advance that might not fit or might fit and be hideous but my goal is to fit in a gorgeous, sexy, look at me white/ivory "Vegas" dress by Saturday 21st. If I have to do two a days every day!

Here's to the future!

Starting Over

Unfortunately, I have not been making the progress I wanted. I knew that this would happen... which is why, I'm sure, it did.

This time though, this time I am working harder than ever and actually believe I will find results. Much to my dismay I have taken two huge steps that I wish this process could do with out.

1. I have hired a personal trainer. I have always wanted to but the cost has always stopped me and I wish I was strong enough to do this without one but boy am I glad I have one. His name is Jeff, he kicks my ass and shows no mercy. Recovering from my bronchitis/laryngitis/viral infection thing he worked me out hard enough for it to count, but easy enough to keep me conscious, which I appreciated, however, last night I made a point of pointing out my voice had come back... mistake! The no mercy Jeff is back. 
2. I have committed to a Mon-Fri carbohydrate free diet. I feel like an addict. After months of eating nothing "bad" for me except for potatoes (i.e. potato chips, baked potatoes and french fries) cutting them out is so hard! I do have to admit though. I had commented before on the fact that I was afraid I'd never be able to go with out them. Well day 2 potato free is a success!! I know it sounds lame. But there's something about giving up the only "processed" things you can eat hahaha.

Monday I was not able to attend the gym due to my almost all-nighter my addiction to Hunger Games caused and my physical thereapy appointment in the afternoon.

Tuesday though, Tuesday was rough. I drug my determined self to the gym at 5:30 am and did the eliptical for 30 minutes and the bike for 15. Then I decided I should probably get ready for work. I ended up being an hour early and decided next time I'll swim as well. After work I headed to personal training, however I always do 15-30 minutes on the elliptical before that too. Then Sarah and I moved the rest of the stuff out of our apartment (a whole topic unto itself). Needless to say I am exhausted!

Normally, I would've worked myself too hard to move the next day... and while my muscles may agree, they accompanied to the gym this morning anyway :)

A definite scare for me though was sitting in my orthopedic surgeon's office this morning as he told me I might have a broken foot and need to have x-rays. All I could thing about was "really? again? every time I get going and get into a groove and am thinking it will finally happen... something happens. Broken leg, broken wrist, broken foot, health problems, sickness you name it.." I said ok and headed to the x-ray room. Well, turns out I've had two broken toes (the two i suspected to be broken anyway) for the last six weeks and since I didn't take painkillers due to my suspicion of broken bones, they are nearly healed. I did however, allow the swelling to go on long enough to stretch out a ligament. Now I don't know much about them but my ortho. kept talking about me stretching out my ligament and almost dislocating and if that happened I'd need surgery. I got a cortozone shot and am hoping for the best. My least favorite part of the meeting was when he brought up tests I had done 5 years ago. "Five years ago you tested negative for Rheumatoid arthritis, I would like to get you tested again though." O joy! I've lucked out most of my life with minor sprains, minor headaches, Celiac instead of ovarian cancer...  ya know, I've gotten the lesser of two evils every time so, my hope is that I get the lesser of two evils this time as well. I would rather have joint pain as a result of being chubby and out of shape or a former athlete gone computer nerd, than have RA.

So much  has happened I definitely think I should start writing more often again, and perhaps I will. For sake of space (and the fact that my lunch is over) I'll end here.

Happy Hump Day!

Random Thoughts 2

Well haven't I been a slacker recently.

Life has been so insane I guess I forgot to blog.
My life hasn't changed that much, I have been trying to workout more and lose weight, however, that hasn't been going well, obviously. I am trying something new now though, so I hope this will have a better turn out.

I keep being told i need to do cardio to see results but I haven't been approved for any activity yet that I know how to do that provides cardio. I am allowed to swim but I'm not supposed to kick, which kind of defeats the purpose. I just found out yesterday though, that I am allowed to do the bike. I am pretty stoked about that. Still no running, dancing, elipticals, etc. But I will take what I can get :)

Life has been so interesting this year. Two of my best friends have gotten engaged and are planning to get married this year as well! It's so exciting.

I think one of the hardest things to deal with is seeing people who are excited about the wedding. Don't get me wrong, I'm stoked, but it's so hard to be excited about something that may not happen. I know Steven and I will get married this year, that part I am sure about, however, the big white wedding, that's still up for debate. I hate the military so much. I wish they would just tell you. "We'll see how training is going" is so not an acceptable answer when you're planning a wedding. There is so much thought, time and money that goes into a wedding, and contracts are signed that some time don't allow wiggle room for dates. When are they going to tell us? The day before? The week before? The month before? This whole thing has me sound wound up I've actually been trying to avoid people so I don't have to talk about the wedding but, when I fail to avoid them it's always the same; "O no, that's horrible." "Well you don't look very excited", "What are you guys going to do?", "Are you going to cancel/postpone/have the wedding via skype? So many questions all the time and the look on their face is always the same when I have to say "I don't have an answer."

I don't though. Plain and simple. I don't know.

blah

I have to tell you though, if we do have the wedding... It's gonna be awesome :) the planning is almost complete. If I could just be sure he'd be there I would be so unbelievably stoked :)