Website Development

Today I am working on uploading something to lacustomweb.com. I love website design and development, however, I have been looking at templates in order to make the process go faster and even though I've looked through what seems like hundreds, I still haven't found one that seems to suit me or my company. BLEH!

I wish I could develop this amazing sites, but I am just a beginner and I can't make sites like these templates. Realistically I probably could, but I feel like it would take forever. Part of me wants to start this company and wants it to be a great success, however I just don't know if i'm cut out for it. I would rather up keep and fix a website than design one.

Tuesday - 2 days down, 2 to go

This week is kind of big for me. My job is not exactly a place of happiness for me, at least not anymore. Over the past few months it has become almost unbearable. Originally, due to the move, I stated I would be leaving the company on the 14th of December. Yesterday I announce Thursday will be my last day. I am so happy and so relieved and face only two problems, the struggle with myself over the paycheck I'm missing out on and the fact that now the past two days have been crawling by like snails. I swear 1-2pm yesterday felt like it took a few hours. Nevertheless, I am happy with my decision. I am going to practice and freshen up /improve my web design skills in hopes of having a business or side business called LA Custom Website Design.

I'm so nervous about "starting" my own company and even just about charging people Steven and I know for websites, but it's something I want to do and I'm hoping it goes well. To be completely honest, I don't think I'm the kin of person who has my own company. I love busy work and web design and creating things for print (this I just learned over the last year) but I love to have something to create for. I love websites and could do that but I think the thing I've fallen in love with even more is designing things for print. I love spending hours and even days with myself or a team changing photos and layouts and tweaking tiny little things then sending it off to the printer. Seeing the final product, being able to hold it and think, this is me or this is us, is a great feeling.

I suppose for now I will do what I can and hope that I find a job I fall in love with when I move.

Happy Rainy Friday

As my best friend said to me this morning "Happy Rainy Friday". There's just something about a cloudy day that makes me feel alive. I'm not a sparkly vampire I swear, but I just love cloudy days! I also love the rain.

Literaly Rain is water falling from the sky wetting everything below, but metephorically I've always felt as if rain is a new beginning, a fresh start. It pours down from the sky as if the Lord himself (I apologize to any potential non-christian reader) washes everything clean. He doesn't feel the desire to floud and wipe clear the earth as previously down, however, he welcomes you to take the advantage to start fresh.

I'm a west coast girl, born and raised in Reno/Sparks, NV, but often I feel as if I am a southern girl at heart. Last summer in North Carolina the clouds burst the sky opened and the rain poured down on my fiance and I, the same thing happened to us on our honeymoon in Florida. When it pours I see the vision in my head of the man and woman kissing passionately in the rain, or the happy couple playing, splashing, laughing, or even the exhausted person who stops and lifts their head to the sky, letting the rain fall down upon them as if it's washing away all their day's problems. I love the rain and a big part of me can not wait to move to North Carolina to see a down pour, to frolick in the rain and to let it cleanse my soul. My husband on the other hand; well, he's often like a cat, he sees water and he does running. Wet is not his thing haha.

Some people think my love for the rain stems from my childhood in the water. From age 5 to age 18 I was a competitve swimmer who spent, at the least, 2 hours in the pool a day. Even now, a stressfull day for my can be cured by a swim or even by sitting in a pool area breathing in the chlorine (healthy i'm sure =P). I just know I love water and I hope one day my man will passionately kiss me in the poring rain or laugh as we chase each other through the rain and fall in the mud.

For now, I am in Reno, sitting at my desk staring out the window as i watch the clouds. It's clear that they want to rain, perhaps that's what's fascinating about them, the hope and possibility of rain or snow, the ere of winter.

1 Week Until Reuniting!

Today marks one week until I get to see my husband again. I am so excited! I'm flying down to thanksgiving Wednesday afternoon and he gets there Thursay morning. I'm sad we only get about 48 hours together but it's better than nothing.

This Thanksgiving we will be at his family's home. I am excited to spend time with his family but I am so nervous! This will be my first Thanksgiving in 23 years that I won't spend with my parents. Even as a child I wondered if this day would ever actually come. At one point it was my goal to find a man who wasn't a big family man so we could always spend the holidays with my family. I have to admit I do love how passionate Steven is about his family because it shows a different side to him and allows me to relax when thinking about our future family. I know he'll be a family man when we start our own family because of how much it means to him now.

I am nervous to see how my mother will handle thanksgiving without me. Some days I feel so guilty. I feel as if I should always be there, being the only child and all, but I know they love me and we'll celebrate in our own way and I'm sure everything will be fine. I definitely am going to miss the traditional tree hunt though. I'm not sure if they're going to go yet because Reno weather is kind of crazy, but part of me hopes they do. Our house is so beautiful with a live tree and the smell is wonderful, plus it always seems better to me to have a tree from the mountians than the supermarket.

I wonder where you get trees in North Carolina. It seems so surreal. Starting our new life. It's hard right now because Steven is there in our home and I am here. Realistically, I could've moved sooner, however, i couldn't afford to fly back for all of the wedding and christmas, so I choose to stay. Sometimes (more often than not) I wish I'd left already, but not always. I'm glad I have time with my parents, glad i was able to be present for everything for the Dacus wedding and able to attend the Lasita wedding. I'm so scared to leave everything here, my home, my friends, my family, my school, my history. At the same time, I could not be more excited for our new adventure!

If Only

The internet is public, anyone can read anything you write, but most of the time, no one does, which, I suppose, can be beneficial. This can be a place where I say the things I really wish to say but never can.

I found this picture today and, unfortunately, felt as if it was made for me.

I don't know why, if it's because I'm an only child who's sick of being along, if it's because I've never had a great track record for relationships, or what it is but I feel alone every single day. Some days definitely have moments where I feel treasured but those seem so sparse. I know one of the hardest things is having some of the best friends in the world but not being "best friends" I've got a best friend in Kansas who I hardely talk to... for no other reason than I just suck at communication I've got a best friend in Carson, West Reno, 2 blocks down, across the hall, all who I usually feel very distant from. ANd the worst one, the one I think that creates most of my feeling is being engaged to a man over 3,000 miles away. Hearing someone's voice... for some reason just doesn't fill that void and the three hour time difference, ugh that kills me, he wakes up and i'm asleep he's at work when i wake up then I'm at work when he gets off, I get off work and he's getting in to bed. It's terrible and no one understands. A few people come close to understanding but it's so hard to explain the feeling that comes from anywhere from 5-20 minutes of communication a day with your fiance and only sing him in person ... maybe 15 days a year.

When I think about it I have about 10 people I know I can count on for anything but it makes me sad at the same time because... well I really don't talk to any of them on a daily basis.

I wish I could be that girl that's always with friends, always talking to them, always has someone to hang out with and never has to sit at home watching tv because everyone else is busy. Unfortunately, that is not the girl I am. O well.

People Change

Every day it amazes me even more how people change.

I read a quote today which read "They say people come and go, but the truth is, no one really disappears from your life. People never really leave; their roles in your life simply change. "

At first I was thinking about the people I knew, the people I was friends with, the people I hated, the people I wanted to know, but then I started thinking about who I am, who my friends were and how we've changed.
For example:

• Nearly 4.5 years ago Steven Kots and I were complete strangers looking for nothing more than a college fling and in 4 months and 14 days... we'll be husband and wife. There is so much to say about him and our life together that i'd probably need a separate blog, a video camera,  some pictures an a time machine. That would be the only way to explain our love, our life and our story to those who don't know us.
• When I was 5 years old I met a girl named Cassandra Patterson. In 11 days she will be getting married. I can't believe how fast time flies. :)
• In high school I reconnected with a girl I'd met in 6th grade named Lauren Lewis. We became great friends. We laughed together, played together, wept together. She helped me through the deaths of two important people in my life and has taught me so much. There was even a point in out friendship where we swore we'd never speak again, yet today... all I can say is that I don't know what I'd do with out her. And... going with the theme. She will marry the man of her dreams in 5 months and 26 days. She has also given birth to one of the most beautiful little girls I've ever seen. 
• Briana Bailey. Briana I met when I was 9 or 10. We have been through so much together also. I will never forget when Bri started dating Blake, a guy I'd known since I was 11 from a completely different aspect of my life and this town. Another way things change. I never knew he could be the man, husband and father he is today and I am so excited for both of them to welcome their new addition. 
• Sarah Hills... o miss Sarah Hills, a stranger, then a niece pearl, then a friend, then a roommate, then a sole mate. When I was first told she'd be my niece peal I had no idea what to get a girl I'd never really met. After I got to know her I really started to like her. Then when we lived together we found out our parent's have known each other forever. I wasn't quite positive yet, but when I found that out I was pretty sure we were sole mates. If not then it was just a HUGE freaking coincidence that Tri Delta assigned me to a random girl who other girls had asked to support and roomed us together. This girl is my other half. I have been dating Steven for the last five years but Sarah, Sarah's my sister, my roommate, my friend, my date for any kind of event. She's the friend I had always hoped for. We may not spend every waking minute together (since we got jobs and moved apart at least =P) and we may not braid each others hair (except for that one time haha) but we are best friends. I tell her everything and she's always there for me. Not to mention the crazy stories she tells me and the things I learn from her haha. There is so much to our friendship that just can't be explained and can't be duplicated.  We have come so far in the years that we've known each other and grown both as people and as friends. I can't wait to see what the future brings us :)
• Janet Blanke - almost a year ago, I was an intern and J was a dancer. We worked together and that was about it. But then a series of events led to a friendship I hope will last forever. I can honestly say when I met this spunky, smiling little dancer last year, I wouldn't have guessed she'd be one of my bridesmaids and my closest friends.
• Ember Oseto- When I started working at the Nugget I was warned about the mean night supervisor and how she was cranky, or whatever they all said. Luckily, I like to get to know people and make my own decisions because I would've missed out on a great friend. Even though I will give her man crap until the day I die I love their little family and mr. Chandler. I only wish I could see them more. But once life settles down a little I hope to do just that.
• Bree Harris, crazy, insane, silly, outgoing Bree. A classmate, an acquaintance, a friend. This is one of those friendships that you treasure because you know no matter where life takes you and no matter how far apart you become, no matter how long it's been since you've spoken... the conversation and the friendship pick up right where they left off the last time.
• Kurt Itskin, 4.5 years ago he was an ATO pledge in my math class and now I don't know what I'd do without him either. I know some days we drive each other crazy but I think that's why his mom says we're like brother and sister. We are kind of that quote "friends are family we choose" we choose to be friends so we don't drive each other completely bonkers, but we do a pretty good job =P
• When I started hanging out at Phi Delt I met a girl name Melyssa  Roe. She seemed so nice and I really wanted to get to know her. I spent less time at Phi Delt and, therefore, less time with her. A few months later, who rushed Tri Delt? Melyssa. I was so excited but hadn't been talkative enough for her to remember me and she thought i was weird lol. I will never get the day she told me that. Anyway, she's taught me so much and I'm excited to say she too will wed someone I knew as a kid. Sam. When we were young I could never have predicted he'd join the military and turn into a sweet (yet still sassy) guy. I guess the right girl can affect every guy. I am so excited for them and can't wait for their wedding next year
• I know some people may think I left them out or wonder why they were not included, but I can't write everything I think and I can't not write in fear of upsetting someone. One thing I've learned over the past year as well, is that just because you don't see each other everyday, doesn't mean you don't have a friend. I have some of the best friends in the world.

There have been friendships that I have lost over the past few years but when I look back on those I realize that, while they might've been difficult at the time, they were steps I needed to take to become the woman I am today. In the past I looked back on those memories and wished to do it over again, but then I realized that we've changed and that part of our lives is in the past, a chapter in our books that has ended and now I am happy to smile and remember that they happened. I treasure it's friendship I've had and even the enemies I've had, each relationship has taught me so much about life and love.

Nervous Already? O Boy!

For the last 16 months I have been "planning" our wedding.

• "O I think we could do this here" 
• "I think we should put that there" 
• "Wouldn't it be fun to do this?" 
• "I don't really know, it's so far away" definitely my most popular sentence

I have so much planned and everyone is shocked that I planning is essentially finished, I was proud of myself and feeling confident... until today.

Today I discussed times, times when my girls need to be ready, times when I need to be ready, time when the photos will be taken, the time when I will walk down the isle. I have no idea why but this made me so nervous! I feel like I shouldn't possibly be nervous already but I am! It blows my mind that the idea of the wedding day is already making me nervous, and here I thought I was going to be perfectly fine. Wrong! I am nervous the right photos won't get taken, I am afraid it might rain or be windy or sunburn all our guests, I'm afraid I'll be late, afraid we'll miss the sunset for our sunset beach photos. O my goodness the curse of a running mind!

I am so excited to wear my gorgeous dress and accessories and final say "I do" to the man of my dreams in front of our family and our friends, but the details scare the crap out of me! One thing that does make me laugh is picturing the look on my mother's face, Sarah's face and even Stephanie (one of our amazing photographers) as they tell me to take a deep breath and stop freaking out. I can only imagine the things that might be said to me if a start thinking about too many things.

My mind will be on:

• the time
• the flowers
• the guests
• the music
• the groom
• the daring and dangerous groomsmen
• the weather, 
• the dress,
• the make-up
• the hair
• EVERYTHING!!!

and I won't be able to stop it. I am a creature of habit and those closest to me such as my lovely bridesmaids and mother will most likely be saying some pretty interesting things and doing some even crazier stuff to get me to stop thinking about everything and I love them for that.

I am worried things won't go perfectly but that's life and I guess all I need to try and remember is that most likely, at some point in our future (who knows when) everything that happens we will laugh about. "It makes for a good story" as my mom always says :).